Star Trek: Voyager - The Neverending Night

Chapter 12

15 Sep 2021

The door chime to Janeway’s quarters rang once and she ignored it. It rang twice and she ignored it. It rang a third time before she responded. “Yes?”

The doors parted. “May I come in? Chakotay asked softly.

“I’d rather you didn’t” Janeway replied, hidden once again in the darkness of her quarters.

Chakotay ignored her and stepped in anyway. “It wasn’t your fault.”

“To hell it wasn’t.”

“Valen-“

“Played me like a fiddle.” Janeway interrupted. “He saw right through me. From that very first conversation, he’s outmaneuvered me at every turn.”

“That’s a little harsh on yourself isn’t it?” Chakotay said.

“I don’t think so.” Janeway replied, not bothering to even look at him. “Besides we wouldn’t even be in this mess if it weren’t for me.”

“The Alliance was a good idea.” Chakotay said. “Even I had doubts at first, but you made it work.”

Janeway scoffed at that. “The Alliance. Murders and thieves. Tuvok knew it right from the start. I shouldn’t have trusted any of them. I should have known they would turn on us the first chance they got. I should have known Emck was lying to us when he refused to tell me why his ship was covered in radiation or what kind of cargo he was carrying or when he made that bigoted remark at Fantome. I should have known Valen was just using us when we first met him.” She emphasized the next words. “I should have known better.” Janeway trailed off. Chakotay didn’t know what to say. Janeway continued.”I shouldn’t… I shouldn’t have let the crew down.”

“Kathryn, you didn’t let us down. You’ve never let us down.” Chakotay implored. “You’ve been a noble captain and a good leader. You’ve brought us through thick and thin. The Borg, the Hirogen, the Kazon. We’ve bested all of them because of you. We’ve managed to cross half the delta quadrant because of you.”

“Yes.” Janeway said grimly. “Because of me.”

“I…don’t follow.” Chakotay said.

“Four years ago I made a choice.” Janeway recalled. “I chose to destroy the Caretaker’s Array.”

Chakotay knew where she was going with this and he shook his head before she drew her conclusion.

Janeway continued. “I put my own nobility and self righteousness over the needs of the crew. I could have gotten them home. But instead-“

“But instead.” Chakotay interrupted. “You chose to help a defenseless people. The Ocampa would have been slaughtered the moment the Kazon got their hands on the array. You knew that. You knew it would mean their destruction if we had just left and returned to the Alpha Quadrant. But you chose to stay. And because of that, we’ve explored more of the galaxy than most other captains have in the entire history of Starfleet. The data we’ve collected will keep scientists occupied for decades. We’ve made friendships with so many races, Starfleet won’t know what to do with themselves when we get back.” Chakotay let his words settle for a moment.” We’ve done good things here Kathryn. Real good things. Maybe it wasn’t what we thought our lives would turn out to be, but we’ve made the best of it.”

“Hollow words.” Janeway said, cynically. “As hollow as this Void.”

Chakotay could see the cascade of emotions Janeway was attempting to contain within herself. The self loathing, the guilt. Had she carried all this with her for the past four years? No wonder she was behaving the way she was. Was the Doctor right? Did Janeway have a death wish? Was she trying to atone for her self perceived sins?

Janeway turned to face Chakotay. “I won’t do it, Chakotay. I won’t put my needs ahead of the crew. Not again.”

“What are you talking about?” Chakotay asked.

Janeway handed him a PADD that was sitting on her desk. Chakotay studied it carefully. The more he read the more he shook his head in defiance. “No.” He protested.

“It’s the only way.” Janeway said.

“No it’s not.” Chakotay shot back. “Let’s talk to the crew. Let’s discuss this with Seven, or B’Elanna, or Harry. I’ll bet anyone of them could give us a better idea on how to solve this.”

“I’ve made my decision. You will assume command of Voyager. I will take a shuttlecraft and board the station and enter in Seven’s final computer sequence. You will then take Voyager through the vortex and resume course for Earth.” Janeway said adamantly. “Under no circumstances are you to attempt to rescue me. If I am able, I will follow you out in the shuttle. But in the case that I am unable to, your standing orders are to get this ship home. Get Voyager back to Earth.”

“Kathryn-“ Chakotay pleaded.

“Is that understood Commander?!” Janeway demanded.

Chakotay gave a long look, both at her and at the PADD. “Yes Captain.”

“Dismissed.” Janeway said.

Chakotay stared at her for a moment before exiting the room. Janeway went to lie on her bed one last time. Her migraine was growing worse. It felt like someone was driving hot spikes into her temples. As she tried to relax she felt her hands begin to quiver and tingle.

“Computer, shut off the lights.” She said, pressing her palms into her eyes as if trying to squeeze the pain from them.

It didn’t help.

“Kathryn.”

Janeway opened her eyes and looked around the room.

“Kathryn.” The voice repeated.

Janeway looked to the side and saw a man walking toward her. He was wearing light khaki pants which his plaid dress shirt was tucked into. His hair was dark brown with streaks of grey running through it. The man smiled at her.

“Kathryn.” He said clearly.

“Father?” Janeway asked.

“Are you just going to stand there? Or are you going to set that up?” He asked in his deep paternal voice while motioning to Janeway’s hands.

Janeway looked down and saw she was holding a telescope barrel. The stand for the telescope had been planted in the grass not far away. It was her telescope. She had asked her father to come out here and to help set it up. She knelt down beside the stand and tried to place the telescope on top of it. But everytime she tried to screw it in, her fingers kept twitching uncontrollably. She fumbled with the telescope. But no matter what she did, she just couldn’t get it right.

Suddenly she felt very small, like a child again. “I can’t.” She whimpered.

Instead of helping, Edward Janeway knelt down across from his daughter. “You were the one who brought us out here.”

“Yes. I wanted to go.” Janeway said under her breath, still struggling with the telescope. “But, can you help me? I can’t do this by myself.” She pleaded.

Edward Janeway shook his head. “You have to. You won’t always be able to rely on me or anyone else for help.” He said. “Sometimes, you’ll be alone with no one else to turn to. Then what are you going to do?”

“I don’t know.” Janeway croaked, looking back up at her father. It was only then that she noticed the grass field they were in. She didn’t recognize it. She kept searching around, trying to get her bearings. She saw fruit trees and a path. Her eyes followed the path and it led to a house. No, not a house. A barn. “Where are we?” She asked.

“You don’t recognize this place?” Her father asked.

“This isn’t our house.” Janeway concluded.

“No.” He observed.

“This…We’re on The Caretaker’s array.” Janeway said. Suddenly, she felt a stabbing pain in her abdomen. Janeway doubled over onto the ground and cried out as the needle dug deeper into her stomach.

“I had such high hopes for you Kathryn.” Her father lamented. “When you passed the entrance exam to Starfleet Academy, I was so proud.”

Janeway couldn’t respond, the pain was now radiating throughout her body, enveloping her senses.

“You struggled through the Academy, but I had faith in you. You were always such a clever girl.” He continued.

Her hands, her fingers, arms, legs, chest, every nerve ending in her body felt as if it were on fire, boiling her alive.

“Then you climbed your way up through the ranks.” He continued. “The day I saw you off for your first posting on the Al-Batani was one of the happiest days of my life.”

The pain was so great, she couldn’t even think. All she could do was roll around on the ground while curled up into a ball.

“But this is it, Kathryn.” Edward Janeway said. “This is the end of the line.”

Janeway looked up and saw that everything was growing darker and darker. Soon the trees, the barn, the grass, all of it was enveloped by an overwhelming blanket of darkness. No, it wasn’t just darkness. It was the Void.

“You have to get up now, Kathryn.” Her father observed, still detached from his struggling daughter.

“I can’t!” She cried.

“Then you will die here in this place. Alone.”

“NO!” Janeway shot up from her bed, screaming in defiance. She was hyperventilating and drenched in sweat. Her whole body was shaking uncontrollably. She rubbed her quivering hands together, trying to calm them as well as herself. She could feel the rapid thuds of her heart pounding in her chest. Janeway wrapped her arms around herself, trying to get a grip on reality.

“Computer, lights.” She demanded.

The lights in her room switched on. It hurt her eyes to look at, but she didn’t care.

“Full illumination!” She shouted.

The lights became even brighter, flooding the room in white luminance. Janeway forced herself to her feet. She didn’t care if every inch of her body felt like it was about to collapse. She didn’t care if the light only made the stabbing pain behind her eyes worse. She was going to pick herself up and get her ship out of this Void. Even if it killed her.